Sparrows vs Zonbies
by puddytat1972
Summary: Special thanks to Hildwyn. This was a response to Hildwyn's challenge to base a PotC or AoS fic off of a popular college game called Humans vs. Zombies. It's silly, and I had to bend the rules slightly, but it was a lot of fun.


**Sparrows vs. Zonbies**

It was another sunny day in Davy Jones' Locker, not much different from the sunny day before or the sunny day before that. The _Pearl's _crew once again had to keep busy on deck while Captain Sparrow hid himself away in his cabin. They didn't see much of him anymore, only when he stepped out long enough to shout orders. Then he would make a hasty retreat back to his cabin and lock the door behind him. The odd behavior puzzled his crew, but any sailor worth his salt still obeyed Captain's orders, even when there was no one around to oversee it. The rest of the sailors, however, lazed around and attempted to find new ways to entertain themselves during these long, hot, sun-scorched days. A group of them sat around the capstan and watched the others keep busy with their tasks.

"Look at all these fool-pated labbernecks," Cynical Sparrow said with disgust as he noticed Fastidious Sparrow drop his mop to kneel down and scrub a stubborn spot on the deck. "The way they're carrying on, one would honestly think we were sailing somewhere. Don't they realize Captain Sparrow doesn't give a rat's arse whether or not we obey his orders, so long as we leave him be? They'll all be sorely disappointed to find there are no rewards for their efforts."

"Aye, all but him," Idle Sparrow said. He jerked his head in the direction of Witless Sparrow who sat alone on the port side of the deck. "See what he's doing there? He's been catching specks of dust out of the air with his hands for the last hour or so. He should have collected himself a mound of it by now," he laughed.

"Is that what he's doing?" Cynical Sparrow asked. "I thought he was simply clapping to some silly tune in his head. A very slow tune, at that. You know, I heard him singing to himself the other day. Just swaying back and forth on the fo'c'sle, looking out over the sand and singing some ridiculous verse over and over again."

"No doubt, with that blank look he always wears on his face," Malevolent Sparrow added. "I simply thump him in the back of the head when I see him like that. That snaps it him out of it instantly."

"Does it, now? Because I've never known him to look any different," Cynical argued. "He always looks like one of those...What did Tia Dalma call them, those people who are brought back from the dead but have no souls?"

"Zonbis!" Malevolent shouted. "I'll wager that's just what he is!"

The others laughed as Malevolent approached Witless casually then watched him until it finally occurred to Witless that someone was there. As he raised his head and looked up at Malevolent, he slurped up a line of spittle that had been dangling from his lower lip.

"Witless, my friend," Malevolent said loud enough for the others to hear. Even some of those who were working steadfastly stopped to see what would happen, knowing that any time Malevolent referred to someone as his "friend," it never boded well for that person. "Some of the other fellows and I were discussing you and your perpetual state of languidity, and we were wondering if you might be a zonbi."

Witless blinked a few times but said nothing.

"Such a pity," Malevolent said. "If one were to look inside that head of yours, he would surely see nothing but rot."

Witless looked a little startled by the idea and placed his hands defensively around his head. "No, no rot in here. Just me brain," he said.

"A brain? Really?"

"Aye."

"Let me see." Malevolent reached for Witless' bandana, and with only a minor struggle, managed to pull it off of his head. The others laughed at the sight, having rarely seen a Sparrow without his bandana. Witless lunged to get it back, but Malevolent jumped away and stayed just outside of arm's reach. "I'm afraid you're mistaken, good fellow. I don't see any brain at all up there. You _are_ a zonbi!"

"Give it back!" Witless cried out and reached for the bandana.

"You want it back?" Malevolent asked as he dangled it in front of him.

Witless nodded vehemently.

"You can't have it," Malevolent said and tucked it securely in his belt. As he turned to walk away, he heard Witless running up behind him, and he dodged out of the way just in time to avoid being tackled. Witless tumbled to the deck but got up quickly, more quickly than anyone had ever seen him move before, to give chase. Malevolent was surprised by this sudden burst of vitality, but he found it amusing. He laughed as he ran around the deck and weaved his way through the other men, quickly shaking Witless off his trail.

When the poor wretch realized he had no hope of catching up to his antagonist, Witless stopped and looked around at the crowd that had gathered for the spectacle. By this time, everyone had stopped what they were doing and were migrating toward the main deck. He took a moment to catch his breath, and in that time, his feeble mind came up with a new strategy. He turned to the nearest Sparrow, Anxious Sparrow, and ran after him.

As soon as Anxious saw him coming, he turned to run, but Witless grab hold of the back of his shirt and began grappling for his bandana. Anxious nearly dragged Witless across the deck as he fought back and screamed, "The zonbi! He's got me! Don't let him get me bandana!" With a sudden jerk, he broke loose from Witless' grip and continued running.

Witless was stunned, but only for a moment. He turned to find his next victim, but by now, the entire crew was in on the game and had moved a safe distance away from him. Witless took off toward them, but all the Sparrows hollered, "Zonbi!!" and ran out of his way. He ran after them again, but each time he did, they scrambled off in another direction. Once in a while, a brave Sparrow would get close enough to taunt him, lowering his head at him as though to offer his own bandana, then he would run away. But most of them just shouted across the deck and made rude gestures at him. Witless became furious after a while and was running aimlessly around the deck in an attempt to both silence them and capture one of their bandanas for his own.

Meanwhile, Captain Sparrow was locked away in his cabin with his beloved charts, pining over all the lands he had ever visited and all the lands he had ever hoped to see. The bumbling crew outside was the least of his worries, as he had just given them enough orders to keep them busy and out of trouble for the rest of the day, or so he thought. At first he heard a low murmur, but before long he heard screams and shouts coming from the other side of his door. Captain Sparrow raised his head from his charts and listened carefully. Were they shouting...zonbi?

"What sort of bloody nonsense are they up to now?" Captain cursed aloud as he headed out of his cabin to investigate. While he was never quite sure whether to believe in Tia Dalma's tales of voodoo zonbis, the very strangeness of the Locker was enough to make him a little wary. He slowly opened the door and poked his head out, only to find chaos. The crew were running back and forth across the deck as though their very lives were in danger, and yet, there was no one there but them. Jack stepped outside fully and closed the door behind him. "Gentlemen! I demand that you..."

Chicken Sparrow came running and let out a hellacious crow before he slammed right into Captain Sparrow and fell to the deck. Witless pounced on top of Chicken, and they wrestled each other in front of the cabin door. Captain swore he saw a few feathers fly just before Witless stood up and waved Chicken's bandana in the air triumphantly. Chicken jumped up, felt his naked head and squawked before he went after it, leaving behind an egg on the deck. Captain backed away and stared at both of them, dumbfounded.

"Chicken's a zonbi, now!" one of the Sparrows shouted from the rigging, and all the rest of them scattered. Witless lost interest in giving chase, since he was happy with his newly acquired bandana, but Chicken was ready to go after them.

"Oh, no you don't!" Captain shouted as he picked up the egg and threw it at Chicken, hitting him squarely in the back of the head. Chicken was stunned and dropped another egg from his pant leg before he shook the viscous goo from his head.

"That's it! The eggs, they're zonbi weapons," Sapient Sparrow informed the rest. "We must get more, as they are our only defense."

Four more Sparrows tackled Chicken to the ground and caused him to drop more eggs while others ran up and collected them. Meanwhile, Chicken grabbed at their bandanas and was able to remove one.

"Bugger, I'm a zonbi," Indignant Sparrow swore when he realized his head was bare. "I'll have to go after the rest of you now," but before he could even begin to run, Malevolent hurled another egg directly into his face.

"Take that, you zonbi!" Malevolent shouted as Indignant swept the egg from his eyes.

"No, _you_ take that," an angry Witless said as he came up behind Malevolent and snatched his bandana from his head.

"Oh, we're full of surprises today, aren't we my friend?" he said to Witless. "Lucky for you we're on the same team now." Then he turned around quickly and pulled the bandana off of Idle Sparrow's head, who happened to be the only Sparrow who hadn't yet moved from his original position.

"Oy! What's this?" Idle said and pondered going after it, but instead, he rolled his eyes and waved a hand at Malevolent. "Keep the bloody thing," he said. "I've got others."

Suddenly, an egg went flying through the air and landed in the middle of Idle's chest. "Aye, but you're a zonbi, now," Malevolent reminded him. "You'll either kill or be killed."

"I'm already dead, you imbecile," Idle retorted and threw a piece of eggshell at him.

Malevolent considered giving him a good pounding for calling him that, but decided it was more fun to ignore him and continue playing the game. Four zonbis ran around the deck, cornered the Sparrows, and one by one, removed their bandanas and brought them to their team. Meanwhile, the Sparrow team took turns tackling Chicken to acquire more eggs. It was a delicate task to get them without losing their own bandanas while the zonbis did what they could to defend their unfortunate teammate without getting pelted and slimed. Slowly, the zonbi team expanded, and no amount of shouting from their captain could quell the madness. As the number of Sparrows versus zonbis dwindled, the zonbis began to set their sights on Captain Sparrow, who until now had suffered little except to look ridiculous and ineffectual in front of his men.

As soon as Captain realized that he had their attention, the _wrong kind_ of attention, he began to back away up the stairs toward the quarterdeck, where until now, the game had not progressed. When the zonbis noticed their captain slipping quietly away from the game, they began to head in his direction. "Back away, you troop of baboons!" he shouted at them as they drew closer. "If you men insist on playing your silly game, you'll do well to keep it down there." But as Captain backed further up the steps, the zonbis only followed, slowly and menacingly. "I said back away, or I'll declare Moses' Law on the lot of you!"

"What's wrong, Captain? All we want's your head piece. That's all. Then you can go back to hiding in your cabin as long as you like." Malevolent crooned at him as he slowly began to ascend up the starboard side after him.

Captain's face twitched.

Suddenly, two Sparrows pushed through the crowd of zonbis with an armful of eggs and threatened to smash one onto anyone who dared to grab at their bandanas. They ran up the portside steps and stood in front of their captain to protect him. It was Valiant Sparrow and Compassionate Sparrow. Captain nearly grabbed for his sword until he noticed they still had their bandanas on them. "How did you two men manage to escape?" he asked them.

"I overpowered the zonbi Chicken and forced him to lay eggs," Valiant explained.

"And I gathered them from the deck so he wouldn't trip and fall," Compassionate added.

"We've got them cornered!" one of the zonbis shouted. All of them began moving forward as though they were of one mind.

"Here they come! Fire at will!" Valiant commanded, and the two Sparrows began hurling eggs at the crowd of zonbis. The zonbis couldn't fit more than one or two men across as they climbed the narrow steps, and as the ones in front were hit with eggs, it took them a moment to move out of the way so the unaffected zonbis behind them could get past. The Sparrows were able to keep them at bay for a while, but before long, their supply of ammunition was getting low.

"What are we going to do when you run out of eggs?" Captain asked.

"Would you like me to go down there and see if I can bring Chicken back with me?" Valiant asked.

"No!" the other Sparrows shouted.

They threw a few more eggs until the defending Sparrows were each down to their last one. The zonbis were nearly up the steps and it looked like the end was near. Captain Sparrow stood behind his men and asked. "So, is there any way to win this game?"

"I'm not sure," Compassionate said. "I believe the last one standing wins."

Captain looked to Valiant for confirmation. He simply shrugged and nodded.

"Sounds reasonable to me," Captain said. "Here, give me your eggs." The Sparrows handed him their last eggs obediently. Then Captain placed the eggs in his coat pockets and shoved both men over the rail and onto the main deck below, where they were quickly overpowered and stripped of their bandanas.

"That's it, Gentlemen! Your Captain has won! The game is over," Captain announced to the rest of the crew.

The crew shouted and cheered as they threw their bandanas in the air (except Valiant and Compassionate, who were still rubbing their bruises and wondering what happened).

"Now, I want every man on deck _immediately_ to clean up this mess, or I'll have you all buried to your necks in sand."

The crew scurried across the deck and began to clean up while frantically replacing their bandanas, and Captain Sparrow returned to his cabin. The men worked diligently on cleaning the egg from the deck and were nearly done when Malevolent walked up casually behind Chicken and tapped him on the shoulder. Chicken let out a small cluck and turned around. "Zonbi," Malevolent said to him, then he pulled off Chicken's bandana, picked up the egg that he dropped and ran away.


End file.
